You know what’s funny about death?

Not a God damn thing.

Death is sad and ugly and heart-wrenching.

And sudden.

Those are the worst types of deaths- the sudden ones. Even the cases when the person is sick, sometimes it still feels like that person was ripped right from your life.

And you know what the worst part of someone dying is?

Feeling like you have to pretend that you’re O.K.

Today at work, all of the employees found that a co-worker who had been working at the company for years passed away.

Everybody was crying and was carrying tissues. I walked in smiling and something told me my smile was out of place today. I walked in smiling and nobody was really smiling back. And then I found out that the person had passed. And I noticed that the woman that I work with was really sad and kind of discombobulated, but she had to force herself to be OK, because she was still at work. And then I felt like I was about to start crying because I started thinking about death. And I wasn’t even sad. I was hella tired, but not sad.

Death is a whore’s daughter. And I would know. I lost my best friend in the 5th grade. I haven’t had one since.

Losing someone can be really scary because you start thinking about your own life and how anything can happen at any time. And then it’s also really scary when you find yourself forgetting things about the people in your life that you’ve lost. I can’t even remember what Maliah (my best friend) sounded like when she laughed, I can’t remember the way she spoke, or the best piece of advice she’d ever given me. That’s scary. I don’t want my memories of her to fade away because that’s how I keep her alive.

I don’t even remember the point of this post, but I do want to give you some advice if you’ve recently lost someone.

Move on.

I remember my mother told me that I had to move on from the lost of my best friend. I was like “what?” How am I supposed to do that? I was like ten and to have someone my age who I loved get taken from me really shook up my little world. In addition, I was in a really insecure place in my life, and I remember that I would ask God why He took her life instead of mine. And every time her birthday came around I would get really sad, and there would be plenty of nights that I would see her picture and think about her and cry myself to sleep.

When I say move on, I don’t mean move on from the memories or your love for the person that you’ve lost or force yourself to forget them or forget their passing. I mean that you have to get to a place where it doesn’t hurt so much. Where you can think about the good things about that person, where you can remember that they’re at peace and they never have to struggle a day in their lives anymore. That’s where I had to go. That’s where I am now. In the face of death, you can get have some really dangerous thoughts and do some dangerous things because the pain can be really great.

But you have to live and let live. For your own sake.

Kisses!

-M.

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